The biggest shock to my system as a new foster mom was the complete upheaval to everything my family and I knew as “routine.” I had my morning workouts, my pre-work rituals of getting ready and making coffee, and helping get my kids out the door before I leave for work. Then, we came home to our evening routine of dinner and relaxation. A bit chaotic, yes, but we knew the drill.
Enter: children who never had a routine, innocent kids whose lives were completely uprooted, living in different phases of trauma. Without needing to say it, I’ll say it – routine and structure were now part of bygone days. As it turns out, routine and structure are things of privilege.
With the lack of routine, my mental and physical health quickly deteriorated. I looked at my hollow, tired racoon eyes in the mirror one day and had a stark realization – if I don’t figure out a way to take care of myself, this won’t last. I won’t be who I need to be for any of my kids, nor my husband. Love isn’t just for others, it’s for me, too. And if I don’t start to show myself some love, this entire thing will crumble.
BUT HOW?
I often tend toward the extreme – complete overhauls are my favorite, whether it’s redecorating a space or signing up for a marathon when I had barely run a 5k (hello, the ambition of my 23-year-old self). My life was different now, though. I couldn’t put that much pressure on myself. I had to start one simple thing at a time.
Five Steps Toward "Me" Time
Here are some things that helped me. My steps were:
- Step 1: Start drinking more water. Hydration is a basic necessity that can help with things from mental capacity to physical health, and was one thing that was simple for me to change. I bought a fun water bottle and challenged myself to drink 3-5 of them per day.
- Step 2: Start the day with prayer and quiet time. Five minutes was fine, I told myself. Start somewhere, then keep going. Inner peace = a changed life. Whether you pray, meditate, or simply sit in silence, these few minutes can change your entire outlook for the day ahead.
- Step 3: Find creative ways to move my body. Do an at-home workout and let the kids hang out and be around me, who cares? On nice days, jogging strollers are great for runs or walks. I have also been known to use the playground as a workout area, including running small laps around the park while keeping my eye on the littles. As long as I was doing something, I could get the endorphin release which always made me feel better!
- Step 4: Schedule time to have one-on-one conversations with my husband, even if that means letting the kids watch TV so this can happen! Or we would make time to talk right after putting everyone to bed. We also planned mini dates at home when we could. I realized how vital my marriage was, and if I neglected my husband, I neglected everything we were trying to do as a couple – most of all, raising kids and helping foster youth and their families.
- Step 5: Celebrate EVERY small win. There are so many reasons to rejoice as a foster parent. The system, behaviors, social worker visits, court dates… it can all make us feel crazy sometimes. We forget to celebrate what is going well, even the slightest progress should be celebrated. Take time every day to high five yourself, your kiddos, and your spouse.
Remember that “me” time isn’t selfish. You need and deserve care just as much as the youth you are caring for, and they need and deserve a healthy, fulfilled parent. One small habit, one small step at a time, you can do it! The best part is the ROI (return on investment) is marvelous! Soon, you will have more energy and will feel more peace.
And remember, you’re not alone. Reach out to your foster parent community, licensing worker, and support group for anything you need! We are in this together.
This blog article was contributed by Cherie Johnson, adoptive/foster parent at Nexus-Kindred, an agency of Nexus Family Healing.
Nexus Family Healing is a national nonprofit mental health organization that restores hope for thousands of children and families who come to us for outpatient/community mental health services, foster care and adoption, and residential treatment. For over 45 years, our network of agencies has used innovative, personalized approaches to heal trauma, break cycles of harm, and reshape futures. We believe every child is worth it — and every family matters. Learn more at nexusfamilyhealing.org.