October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. At Nexus Family Healing, we serve youth and families who have often either been victims of and/or witnessed domestic violence. Domestic violence, or intimate partner violence, is a particular kind of terror where your home, your safe space, is no longer safe. And if home isn’t safe, then where is? It can create a vicious cycle of violence and trauma, where children growing up in that environment begin to internalize it and go on to be victims or perpetrators themselves.
While not only dangerous and violent to the victim, can greatly harm a child’s mental health and traumatize them for life. Youth who witness and live with intimate partner violence are at a higher risk of developing mental health disorders like depression and anxiety, experience nightmares, difficulty concentrating, and can develop behavioral problems that lead to aggression and suicidal ideation. Youth may also experience nightmares, difficulty concentrating, and defiant behaviors.
How to Talk About Domestic Violence
For a parent/caregiver who was the victim of intimate partner violence, navigating how to handle it with your children can be extremely tough. Youth who have witnessed and/or experienced violence can be very guarded and may be reluctant to talk to about it. What matters most is reassuring them that they are safe, and whatever they saw or whatever happened to them is not their fault. Victims and witnesses can often carry a lot of guilt and shame with them, so allowing them space, time, and autonomy about when and where they choose to share is crucial in helping them talk about it.
- Firstly, seek professional help and support – seeking external support can give you the tools, language, and actions to use when opening up about this topic to your children. Make sure whatever resources you use are appropriate to their age, however, no matter how old a youth is, always remind them that domestic violence is NEVER their fault.
- Be aware of any barriers you and your children may have. Though it’s difficult, opening the door to these conversations with your child is crucial for healing – yours and your child’s. Ensure that they understand what happened and that violence is never okay. Take into consideration any triggers your children may have and other factors like their age, how it impacted them, and let them know you are always there to talk and answer questions.
- Try and identify people outside the home that the youth can find support from or as a resource. Plan with the youth what to do and where to go if violence in the home occurs again. Ask them about their feelings and their own experience with it.
- Be aware of non-verbal ways a youth may communicate with you. When they do talk with you about it, make sure to listen first and be curious. Don’t attempt to interrupt or direct the conversation. Always remind them that they are loved, and their feelings are valid.
- A painful element is helping a youth who can no longer be in contact with a parent because of safety concerns. Phrase it as their parent has an illness (such as substance abuse). Normalize their feelings and talk about the pros and cons of no longer having that parent and/or caregiver in their life anymore. When talking with youths who have experienced domestic violence, it’s essential to create a safe environment, free of judgement or shame.
Remember that healing isn’t linear. To heal from trauma doesn’t always mean directly discussing it but working on coping skills and awareness.
Nexus Family Healing is a national nonprofit mental health organization that restores hope for thousands of children and families who come to us for community mental health services, foster care and adoption, and residential treatment. For over 50 years, our network of agencies has used innovative, personalized approaches to heal trauma, break cycles of harm, and reshape futures. We believe every child is worth it — and every family matters. Access more resources at nexusfamilyhealing.org/resources.