With three sons, Matthew and Ingrid weren’t planning to add anymore kids to their already busy family. But when Matthew’s biological nephew needed a forever home, Matthew and Ingrid found themselves in the position for a Kinship adoption.
Kinship adoption is a type of adoption where a relative of the youth can adopt them into their family. It’s a great option, when possible, as children tend to do best living with someone they know or have a connection with, and it’s proven to be the most successful plan for children in foster care, as it allows them to stay connected with their biological family and maintain their identity.
“Being with family is so important,” said Ingrid, “and I do think it’s important for children to know their family, to know the people who are delivering them news about their parents…to help children understand why their parent isn’t able to be involved in their life, and that it’s not their fault, and their parents do love them, but can’t take care of them.”
Matthew himself had been adopted as a baby but had been reconnected and in contact with his biological family for years. This was how he learned that his biological sister had given birth to a little boy named Kash, who she was unable to care for, and Kash had been placed in foster care. Matthew and Ingrid reached out to Kash’s case management team to make sure his current foster home was a good fit.
“Originally, our hope was we could foster him, or at least visit him to make sure his current foster home was safe,” said Matthew, “I think we were going to start having visits with him to see if he was a good fit for our family.”
Matthew’s wife Ingrid, a former child protection social worker, was also interested in Kash’s welfare, and she and Matthew talked about at the very least looking into his welfare, meeting him, and starting visitations with him.
“I expressed interest because I used to work in child protection,” said Ingrid, “I was surprised when we found out about this that we hadn’t heard anything sooner…I wanted to make sure he was in a good home with possibility for being his forever home.”
Ingrid and Matthew became involved with Kash’s social workers and began the paperwork process for visitations. However, Kash ended up being removed from his current foster home, and Ingrid and Matthew were contacted to see if they could take him.
“We were called on a Thursday and told that the county wanted to place him with us, and we were like wow,” said Ingrid.
Introducing Kash to Friends and Family
After that, it was a whirlwind – getting day care lined up, introducing Kash to their three sons, ranging from ages four to twelve, and their surrounding community. It was a quick, sometimes difficult transition for Kash and the whole family, particularly for their youngest son, helping him adjust to no longer being the “baby” of the family.
“Every emotion you can feel, we felt,” said Ingrid, “I was happy, sad, nervous…so many things, so much left to the unknown.”
Matthew and Ingrid were supported by Nexus-Kindred Family Healing employees along the way, along with their friends, family, and community.
“How the community, our friends and our family really helped and stepped up…we were getting meals delivered to our house, diapers, it was just pretty cool to experience that, and know that we would be supported,” said Ingrid tearfully, “and watching Kash form his relationship with his brothers, the little milestones like walking, taking him on an airplane, his little belly laugh…”
Kinship Support
Nexus-Kindred Family Healing, which offers Relative and Kin Support Services, helped support Ingrid and Matthew along the way. Our team provides a wide range of support services ranging from financial support to help with the new, unexpected costs that come with a new child, from daycare and diapers to educational support like providing trauma-informed care, navigating family dynamics, and connecting families to local support systems. These services can also be used for children who are no longer in the foster care system.
“I think it’s really hard [Kinship],” said Ingrid, “I can’t imagine how we’d have done it, if we hadn’t had the support…they [Nexus-Kindred] were super helpful – if there were certain things that we needed, like a car seat, they helped with that,” said Ingrid.
“They kept us on track, but weren’t pushy,” said Matthew, “They were sensitive to our situation and how busy we were.”
Although Kinship seems like an ideal arrangement– allowing a child to stay within their biological family - like all foster and adoptive care, it can come with its own set of complex emotions and feelings. Sometimes extended family members are ineligible to care for a child for a variety of reasons, many stemming from generational trauma and histories. There are also complex emotions of knowing and/or being related to the biological parent who can’t care for their child, and the frustration and sadness that can come with that.
“I think it’s really normal in Kinship to have feelings of doubt, or not knowing if this is the right choice for your family,” said Ingrid, “it takes a while to get to a place of accepting the situation…relying on talking to others and not being 100% sure when you start the process is okay.”
Though they had fears and doubts about bringing a new child into their family unit, Ingrid and Matthew ultimately felt it was the right thing to do.
Kash, now a toddler, is growing to love and connect with his parents and brothers.
“One of my moments of joy was the day we brought Kash home, a bunch of the neighborhood kids were so excited for him,” said Ingrid, “they were all gathered at the end of the driveway cheering for Kash.”
For the future, Matthew and Ingrid are positive about Kash’s healthy mental and physical development and supporting him as he grows up and navigates a relationship with his biological mother, who they do try to contact and give updates about Kash.
“I’m happy to be there for Kash,” said Matthew, “I love him.”