Creating strong family bonds through honesty and consistency
“Clear is kind.” As a foster and adoptive parent, this simple saying became a game changer for my parenting journey, especially for our children with a history of trauma. We form stronger bonds as a family when we are communicating effectively, setting boundaries, and building trust through honesty and clarity. But what does this mean? How is this applied in real life situations?
Building Security Through Predictability and Routine
To me, it starts with simple things, like keeping a schedule and routine so kids have predictability. It is also found in everyday things like setting expectations before an outing. Let’s use a trip to the grocery store as an example. Before leaving, I will set them up for success by communicating what we are doing, when, and what to expect. With both young kids and teens, I communicate the schedule and what they can do to prepare before we leave. Periodic countdowns and check-ins before an outing also help (20 minutes, 10 minutes, 5 minutes, 2 minutes).
On the drive to the store, I will set expectations, such as, “When we are at the store, we are not buying extra treats. We will be getting all the food and snacks we need for the week so we have what we need. However, I am not buying extra toys, candy, or anything that isn’t on my list.” This way, I have set the expectation, and I can calmly stick with it while at the store. My kids will learn what I mean when I stick to the plan. I know that sounds so simple, but being a decisive, consistent parent gives them something to anchor into.
Even in that simple scenario, things can break down (tantrums, pushing the boundary, begging, guilt tripping, and so forth). I found that setting things up ahead of time greatly reduces anxiety. I always remind myself that my kids have gone through traumatic, unexpected events. I help their nervous system by setting expectations and being a reliable adult, they know what to expect. I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. That builds trust, even in the simplest scenarios.
Telling the Truth with Care and Compassion
Another way “clear but kind” shows in my family is telling my adopted kids the truth in a way that is age appropriate. Children in foster care and adoptive families have been through enough confusion, so having discernment for when and how to tell the truth (to the extent that it is safe and appropriate) has been a priority in our family.
One of my (adopted) children lost her biological father to overdose when she was a toddler. She has no memories of him, but we do have pictures of them together and some stories from other family members. We know he loved her immensely, and until she started asking more questions, that was all that mattered.
When she was younger and asked us how her dad died, we told her that he got sick. Of course, as she got older, she started asking more questions. With the guidance of her therapist, we were able to eventually tell her more about her father—that he was sick with addiction, and even though that never changed his love for her, it changed the health of his body and brain. Clear is kind. While the truth may seem harsh, allowing her to know the full extent of her father’s struggles in the end is kindness.
One of the most beautiful parts about the progression of “truth” and keeping honest, open communication about her dad is that she wants to talk about him with us and trusts us with that vulnerability. Knowledge is power; she can shape her decisions around family history, knowing that her family history would make her more susceptible to substance abuse. She proudly calls herself a “chain breaker” and does this in true faith and in honor of her dad.
Each of our kids has their own story. With all of them, we are loving guides who lead them toward truth and empowerment in their own lives. We don’t shy away; we lean in. Someday, they will be reliable, trusted adults. Someday, they will be the ones setting routines in their own families. Clear is kind.
Simple Ways We Build Trust Every Day
- Having hard conversations builds trust.
- Planning weekly family fun nights builds trust.
- Being reliable builds trust.
- Showing up for school conferences, sporting events, and tough nights builds trust.
- Apology when we screw up builds trust.
- Mutual laughter builds trust.
- Effort, not perfection, builds trust.
Whenever I sit back and really think about building trust with my kids, I am in awe of the beauty of it. When our children have been through so much, and then they dare to trust again, it is a profound piece of their healing.
What an honor.
This blog article was contributed by Cherie Johnson, Foster and Adoptive Parent.
