You heard this would happen. Your little snuggler, your helper, your “mini-me” has become a teen. Attempting to engage with them now may elicit a series of grunts and groans, or seemingly thoughtless one-word answers.
Your teen is going through a lot of changes – physically, mentally, emotionally. You may feel less connected with them, even though it’s important to renew or maintain a supportive relationship during this time in their life. Try these techniques to help you reconnect with your teen and keep the lines of communication open:
Listen and don’t lecture – While listening, make efforts to validate feelings. Be willing to sit in the silence with your teen and resist the temptation to try to immediately fix things. If necessary, circle back to the topic when you both have had time to process.
Keep the focus on the teen – It is easy to get sidetracked when trying to relate to their feelings or current situation.
Be present – Adult tasks (housework, bills, errands, etc.) can wait. Don’t shortchange the time spent engaging with your teen.
Accept big emotions – Crying over losing something small or a cancelled social engagement might seem like an overreaction, but these things can feel like a very big deal to your teen. Their frontal cortex (the “rational” part of the brain) isn’t fully developed yet, which can lead to mood swings, especially if they are stressed and anxious. Focus on being a calm and comforting presence for them, instead of trying to rationalize and/or fix the problem.
Make talking about feelings the norm – Take any opportunity to talk about feelings, including your own. This helps develop a sense of ease around these conversations.
Be willing to compromise – Things like maintaining family traditions can quickly escalate into an epic power struggle. If your teen resists family meal night, present an alternative night that works for both of you.
Learn about THEIR interests – This may seem simple, but is a great way to get them to open up. Doing a little research about their current interests can go a long way.
Try different modes of communication – Be open to alternative ways to communicate to find how they feel the most comfortable expressing their thoughts, opinions, and feelings. This could be via text, talking on the phone, or in writing.
Be genuine – Through it all, stay true to who you are and the values your family believes in. Showing up as yourself, making mistakes and owning them, can strengthen your bond and be a huge learning opportunity for your teen.
Ok, but how about talking about the uncomfortable topics? Subjects like mental health, sex, and/or chemical use.
- Consider using a scale to gauge where your youth is at on a particular topic. “On a scale of 1 to 10 how sad are you feeling today?” or “On a scale of 1 to 10 how comfortable are you talking about chemical use?”.
- Be direct – When both parties are uncomfortable, being honest and direct is often the best approach. By setting a precedent you are making it “ok” to feel comfortable sharing as well.
- Be patient – Don’t push for immediate answers. Avoid leading questions – Questions where you have a certain answer in mind.
- Enlist the help of others – Help them identify other trusted adults, if the subject matter is too uncomfortable to discuss with you.
Parenting your teen can be harrowing at times, but keep in mind that your teen is still a developing, growing child and is changing every day. You are doing the important work of guiding your young person through all the trials and tribulations involved in becoming an adult.
Keep fighting the good fight!
Nexus Family Healing is a national nonprofit mental health organization that restores hope for thousands of children and families who come to us for community mental health services, foster care and adoption, and residential treatment. For over 50 years, our network of agencies has used innovative, personalized approaches to heal trauma, break cycles of harm, and reshape futures. We believe every child is worth it — and every family matters. Access more resources at nexusfamilyhealing.org/resources.